Day 6

Welcome, welcome to day six of Shot Through the Heart. Today I have something a little special for you all so lets get rolling with:

Grease 2   http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084021/

• Welp, two minutes into the film already and everyone has broken into a song and dance routine. Can you imagine if life was like this? People just drop everything and start singing about the boring, mundane routines.
• You can tell it's the 60's because of the copious amounts of hair product everywhere.
• Eight minutes. Eight minutes and the first song (Back to School) is just ending. Eight Minutes!
• Uh oh, you can tell these guys are badass because they're wearing leather and riding their motorcycles around the school track.
• "We're gonna score tonight." Oh I get it, the song is about sex and bowling at the same time. Clever, very clever.
• Man I really don't miss high school at all.
• Every time I look at this British kid I see Brad Pitt. His name is Maxwell Caulfield look him up.
• Singing about pollination, every teenagers dream....
• Why are the women the baritone singers?
• A ten year old is trying to start a mini gang-war. See this is something I could get behind.
• And now this guy looks like a cross between Robo-Cop and Maverick with that goggles helmet combo.
• How is this greaser, who is trying to get laid by faking a nuclear holocaust, going to explain just exactly happened outside this bomb shelter?
• Man, this british guy has a hard life. It must suck having a bunch of people swarm all over you offering to give you money, and to think the audience is trying to feel for this guy.
• I literally looked away for two minutes and now they are singing in what I can only assume is limbo about their undying love for each other. What the hell did I miss?
• And now theres a Luau because why the hell not.
• Oh ok, so they were singing in limbo because the british guy apparently died. Don't worry though; because he is back alive and just jumped a motorcycle over a pool before the final song and dance routine. You know it has to end happily.

I never saw the original Grease so Im probably missing some of the rich back story, but this was shit. The characters were completely one dimensional, with very inconsistent development. The central plot has no real resolution, and in terms of a romantic comedy there really wasn't much of either. The love story was shoe-horned, and the comedy was non-existent. Not as bad as yesterday's film, but its really bad.

Day 5

Today's film is:

Little Black Book   http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361841/

• Great this film takes place in New Jersey, can't wait to see how the falsely depict the garden state this time.
• You know as a journalist major its kinda interesting to see behind the walls of a production company, to bad its filled with terrible acting.
• Fart jokes this is so great.
• Ugh this is really bad. Still like 80 minutes to go!
• So far the only thing this movie got right about NJ is the Devils. What it got wrong is that no one in NJ likes the Devils.
• So the guy is actually a playboy, whose cheating on his naive young girlfriend. What a unique and interesting development.
• 49 minute mark: Ok this movie is complete and utter shit, seriously don't watch this. This is the exact thing I imagined when I thought of this project but man it is a lot worse then I have ever imagined.
• Go Ottawa Senators!
• ...I have 24 more days of this project. Hopefully this is the lowest I will ever hit.
• Fuck this film, I made it 59 minutes I quit. This movie beat me. See you all tomorrow.... 

Day 4

Due to time constraints and wanting to post this before midnight today's film was actually not picked on rating, but on length of said film. So without  further ado, todays film with a four star rating is...

 Spin   http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0490701/

• Well this film follows basically every other film I've seen so far and has a sex montage very early on. Yay?
• How did that guy just flip over an entire table and not break any of the glassware on the table? Im calling bullshit.
• Oh, so this film is another one of those "just friends" thing, so naturally that means they'll hook up at the end.
• Why am I constantly being shown a naked british man! Why won't he get dressed?
• 20 minute mark: first bare ass.
• 21 minute mark: first penis of the project.
• Yeah. Sure. If I saw a naked man run out of a veterinarian building I wouldn't question it either lady, don't worry.
• So this film is now the Hangover?
• Hey the british man is finally dressed.
• Wow this is actually some emotional acting...and I really like it. This film is not bad at all so far.
• This film is like Vantage Point, but with sex and drugs.
• ...and now its Weekend at Burnie's but with an all female cast
• This isn't a romantic comedy at all, Netflix has once again lied to me.
• At first I really hated this british guy (his name is Mic by the way) but he's slowly turning into the best character in this entire film.
• Dammit! The "just friends" actually aren't getting together at all.
• Wait. Thats Danny Masterson from That 70's Show. Thats perfect! What an ending!

Ok, that was an actual decent film. It had some actually compelling acting, and it neatly tied all the loose ends together in a nice little package. Yea its awkwardly paced, and kind of nonsensical, but for what its worth I kinda dug it.

Day 3

Well before I start I would like to address one small issue I've noticed. These movies are not really well known movies, in fact most of them are direct to dvd or television films, and the fact that Im talking in details of the scenes it might be hard to fully understand whats going on. So Im gonna start adding a link to the film's imdb page so you can at least get a better sense of whats going on. Also all of these movies Im watching can be found on Netflix streaming if you so desire. Anyway today's film is:

After Sex http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0465375/

• Al-righty, things are starting off great as we just hit the four minute mark and the opening credits have just ended. For a 77 minute movie that reduced the already brief film time considerably. 
• The use of chapter headings (alongside of what I glimpsed from the Netflix description) gives me a feeling this will be more along the lines of a Tarantino pastiche, rather then a unique experience. That might end in its favor.
• Wow this film is really heavy on dialogue, but thats not really able to carry it all the way. I mean having a girl walk around in nothing but a button - down shirt is nice, but you need to give us more.
• So this is another fuck - buddy film. Is it just me or have we had a renaissance of these things within the past few years? Did Hollywood just realize that they're people out there having casual sex?
• Ok I'll admit, I actually like that first scene.
• I love this pasty white kid. Sitting here in his underwear smoking a cigarette, talking about how manly he is all the while cuddling up with a pillow as he lays next to the guy he just had sex with.
• So I don't know who Tanc Sade is as an actor, but the way he is sitting here ranting about how he came out of the closet and it made him feel powerful sounds eerily like the kind of speech Lex Luthor would give to Superman after a successful plot.
• Ah awkward teenage sex.
• Oh Mila Kunis you sure do love your sex scenes; although Im fairly certain that you've had more with girls then guys strangely enough.
• "What does pussy taste like? Does it taste like chicken?" That may possibly be one of the worst things I will hear for this entire project. Thats really fucking gross.
• They're having sex in a library now...
• Now an old couple is complaining about how kids these days have ruined sex for everyone. Huh?
• Now they're saying just how terrible condoms are. Fun fact: The original condom was a mixture of alligator shit and honey that they would shove up their vaginas. Yep, condoms sure do ruin everything.
• 42 minute mark: First bare ass of the film.
• The fact that this film just had the audacity to say R2D2 and C3PO were the first gay couple really, really bothers me. 
• 61 minute mark: So now were following this blonde girl and latino fellow and with every new line of dialogue she is slowly developing a southern accent. 
• But don't worry; turns out the blonde girl was actually a personal escort. That fixes everything!
• I've seen a lot of movies in my brief life span, but I have never seen a film that ended with a deep thoughtful conversation on the topic of cousin fucking until now.

With a stirring two star rating I really thought this film would have nothing to offer. Surprisingly this film had about three exceptional stories to tell (within a total of about 12), but those other stories were just so bad. The good is set so far between and your forced as the viewer to trudge through some pretty awful writing and acting. But I have to admit, so far in this project this was my favorite film.

See you all tomorrow!

Day 2

Well lets start right away with todays film

The People I've Slept With


I had to dig deep to find this film, and with a amazing two star rating I just couldn't resist!

• 45 second mark: Wait, I think the guy she was sleeping with is the same guy who play Harold in Harold & Kumar. If so this movie is much more mainstream then I believed.
• 1.5 Minutes: So I've never been pregnant, but I have known a few people who have. Yet Im pretty certain you don't have the symptoms as soon as the guy pulls out, or so I heard.
• 4 minute mark: Bare ass, even faster then yesterdays film.
• Speaking of yesterday's film; this film also has a gay roommate.
• Honestly this film is kinda horrible, not on a technical level, but on a simply ethical level.
• Baseball Sex cards are a plot device. Take that as you will.
• 11 minutes mark: Seriously there are some serious glaring narrative issues here. We don't know the main characters name yet, and no setting has been introduced. Im pretty sure every scene has been on the same set with the furniture rearranged. 
• 13 minute mark: Im already losing focus of the film. This seems more like a porno than a romantic comedy, but this film is really bad no matter what.
• Also everyone is overacting their parts.
• 24 minute mark: This isn't a romance movie at all, so why am I still watching this.
• Nope never mind, that dude wasn't Harold.
• "Don't Be Asian"- what does that mean?
• Ok I guarantee that this film will end with the pregnant girl going into labor and the Not-Harold guy coming into the delivery room declaring his room. Im calling it now.
• Welp Religious overtone and pro-life agenda are swinging in full force now.
• Hyper-Sexualized cooking montage, yay?
• 42 minute mark: I really like Rane Jameson in this film. He gives a very awkward performance, but for the role he's in he draws the audience in.
• 50 minute mark: The movie is 89 minutes long, and now the romance plot line just started....
• Dammit my prediction was wrong!
• My second prediction is that the baby will be born during the wedding
• Fuck, my second prediction was wrong!

Well the movie just ended and I really just feel dirty. This movie had nothing really for a movie goer, and nothing really for anyone I could see. I could probably imagine something much worse, but seriously this            is pretty bad.

Shot Through the Heart Day 1

Well today is the beginning of February 2012; and such I would like to introduce the beginning of my little experiment. Shot Through the Heart is a new daily blog in which I will browser the depth's of Netflix hell and find some of the worst rated romantic comedies, and write my thoughts or feelings towards the film. All films will be a romantic comedy to go with the romance theme of February, and all of the writings will be written as I watch the film. These will not be reviews, but simply opinion pieces as I watch some truly pieces of shit. Most will probably be a list of my by the second thoughts with a nice short wrap-up at the end, but lets wait and find out together.

Today's film is: No Strings Attached (2011)

Well this is the first film to come up in the search engine, and with a 3 star rating it doesn't seem to good so I'll go with it.

• "So, can I finger you?" This was said between what I can only assume are ten year old children; this is a fantastic start.
• Six minute mark: Yup Ashton Kutcher is still a douchbag "actor". To think, he's the soft hearted character of the film. Fuck.
• Natalie Portman is arguably my favorite actress, but I don't understand her. She just had a movie where she had a full blown lesbian scene, and yet she seems so awkward here talking about penises.
• Ok their first "date" is a funeral. As far as set-pieces go thats pretty good, but Im throughly disappointed at how not bad this film is.
• Film Cliche #1: Parental issues
• Film Cliche #2: Main character living in shadow of someone else
• Ok, this movies starting to get pretty bad now. Drinking Montage, yay?
• 21 minute mark: Ashton Kutcher's bare ass in all it's glory! Fuck this happened a lot sooner then I honestly expected... I mean its pretty obvious it would happen, but come on he hasn't even had sex yet.
• I kinda like Natalie Portman as a soulless bitch, but again I can't get over how awkward she is.
• 48 minute mark: Kind of a big time jump here, but don't worry they've just been having sex a bunch we still have a hour to tie up all those dangling loose ends.
• Sex montage, yay?
• 62 minute mark: Kevin Kline is now singing to Ashton Kutcher. Its not really bad, but I would just like to point out that Im so bored with this film that I spent the time looking up Kevin Kline's name. By the way he plays Ashton's dad.
• Oh I forgot to mention Cliche #3: Gay Roommate. 
• Aww they fell in love! Who could of guessed?
• In all honestly Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher have no chemistry here. Watching their "sex scene's" is like watching two wicker chair's rub up against each other. Surprisingly in this case Im rooting for the Kutcher chair, because he's the one that understands its role as a chair and fits comfortably into it.
• Ok, movies over now. I can't say I really hated it; everything just kind of did its part and nothing else. If this is what this month has in store for me then I can say I will not hate myself as much as I think Im going too, but instead Ill just be very bored. To think this movie is supposedly getting a television spin-off.
• Wait, the director of Ghostbusters directed this? Thats a very strange career change.

This is the part were I should wrap everything up, but I did that already.... See you all tomorrow!